A Few Stray Thoughts While on the Planet Ear
11/6/96-11/16/96
November 1996 After the Death of our Lord
"Going Down to Florida...Goin' to Bowl Me a Perfect Game."
November 6
After the Show at the Velvet Elvis in Savannah, GA
I think I broke my hand punching a cymbal. My...doesn't Dinosaur Jr.'s Freak Scene come to mind at this place? I'm moving in extreme slow motion and am wondering where the hell my bottom hi-hat cymbal is. Ah yes, under the stage...typical. The Descendants' "Enjoy" is blaring loud enough to deny any possible cerebral connections. Sitting on top of my duct tape covered snare case, I am much too tired for sleep.
November 7
During Our Performance at the Covered Dish in Gainesville, FL
A fight broke out during one of our songs. It started because some obnoxious girl wouldn't move, but by no means am I even remotely sure of what the impetus was. It seems that a bunch of heroic guys deemed it more proper that they do battle as opposing representatives for the female instigators. It was a weird thing - having public violence as a music video. Why can't I just get a job writing jingles for used car lots?
November 8
I Can't Remember Where
We are all convinced that massive touring is the acceleration lever to Alzheimer's. My memory loss has proven the fact that I'm writing this from the viewpoint of a night later, and I've totally blocked just where the hell we were the night previous. Oh my God, now it's relapsing into a vivid clarity - Bill Bryson, The Covered Dish, Space Cookie. Wait where am I? Where are my dentures?
November 9
Someone's Back Bedroom in Ft. Lauderdale by the Sea
Crocket and Tubbs stepping down off the mothership's landing hatch? Well not quite, but there was a 24 hour tanning salon so finally our Alabama farmer's tans could become a pigment figment of the past. We literally played a prom. There was an excess of hairspray and pedifiliac thoughts spreading in the Miami air tonight (alright, no more "Miami Vice" sound track references). Everyone at the club was super buff and sunburned from all the neon. Woah! It's 3 a.m. and looking out the window I see Starcrunch and Gerstoff wrestling insanely in whoever's front yard it is that we're staying with.
November 10
On Stage at The Rubb - Tampa, FL
I remember being extremely disappointed at the extreme number of problems we were having matched against how confident and flawless Babe the Blue Ox were, not to mention that Space Cookie was tighter than a trapeze artist's jock strap. Coco's quaint little Akai computer device was sick and spitting white noise mucus through the million dollar sound system. Still no cure was to be found for the Man or Astro-Man? Electronic Cold Malfunctions. The Rubb was insanely lavish for a rock club - exposed tubing, Captain Nemo-style submarine bathroom portals, stainless steel abounding, yet everything still very immaculate, kind of like Pier 1 circa 3011. Geez, no wonder all my shit was in dire misfiring mode, I was paying way too much attention to the decor.
November 11
At a Friend's Parents' House Just Outside the Magic Kingdom
It is such a strange conundrum - the Man or Astro-Man? rock 'n' roll lifestyle. It dumfounded me to minuscule mental limits that anyone, especially their parents, would provide us with a place to stay and accommodations including breakfast procedure nourishment and the shower cleansing sequence. Mike McWherter, long-time fan and yo-yo master, came through with 5 star arrangements. Truly a fine display of humanoidism of the classiest genus. I'm sorry, I'm getting all lumpy on you...I hope my tears don't cause the ink to run.
November 12
Outside a Rock 'n' Roll Dentist Office
So, who are these people in your neighborhood? Forget about that, who are the people that you meet on tour? Now that's a much more interesting inquiry. Dexter X recently had a "lost cap tooth module" removed, but once again those Arch Astro Enemies, the Cavity Creeps, were at their destructive deconstruction.
Dexter had asked around at the Sapphire Supper Club about potential practitioners and the promoter actually knew a dentist who was a huge Man or Astro-Man? fan, so much so that he often had us on as a patient headphone listening pleasure selection. Anyway, Dexter got some touch work done and a new prescription, all for some measly Astro-Vinyl products. I think we're on to something. I just read an article by Johnny Temple of Girls Against Boys in "AP Press" about band health insurance plans. Who needs it? Just put out feelers for those of the medical profession who are also fans of your band. Yes! Soon, I finally will be able to have that bunion removed off my ass.
November 13
On Stage at the Cow Haus
There was a nutty man in the herd of humans holding a tennis racket and a kazoo. He's yelling that Dexter has a bad attitude. Funny guy, right? Er, no. There's nothing more I want to do right now than leave the SpaldingŠ trademark emblazoned across his forehead. Coco grabs his kazoo and somehow I ended up with it. I want to smash it, but know the second I do, reality will shift itself and suddenly the kazoo will become a treasured heirloom owned by his great grandfather in the First World War. I restrain myself. After all, we don't have the $150 per night show insurance that Jesus Lizard does. He continues to be a pest and after the show he asks me if I want to fight. I ignore him. Coco burns his kazoo into a melted plastic abstraction. Finally, the guy leaves to prepare heckles and
disturbances for the next show.
November 14
After the Show, Upstairs at Sluggo's
So it happened. The Sober vs. The Drunk, Astro-Creeps vs. Space Cookie Monster. We attempted to duct tape Gerstoff and found ourselves in the midst of a counter ambush. I can't remember much except for someone constantly grabbing at my head. As it turns out, during the wrangling Falcon was covering our beautiful locks with Chief's pomade gel. The night closed in a drunken frenzy of weird mixed feelings that made as much sense and had as much validity as an episode of "The People's Court."
If you ever wonder if good does indeed ultimately overcome evil, let this serve as counsel. Starcrunch's, Dexter X's and my own hair feels like a minor oil spill and all look like Casey Casum Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame wax dummies, while the well-groomed Space Cookie still breathe happy, care (and guilt) free air. Needless to say, grab that bottle of Jack Daniels and join the dark side you fools!
November 15
Before We Played (or became alcohol fodder) at ??
I was newly exposed to the paradoxical concept of a drive-by peddler. This guy literally drove up outside the club and tried to spare change us. Um, excuse me...if you really need money to eat, sell your fucking car! Nonetheless, you must admire the fellow's savvy, and ironically enough, he told Starcrunch, "Hey whiz, you look like the smart guy. You must be the guy who writes all the songs."
On a much more somber note, tragedy struck among one of the earth people who aided the Astro-Cause over our four stranded years. We found out that Dave Perry, who directed our video for "9-Volt" had passed away because of a head injury inflicted from a downhill, skateboard street luge accident. Dave was an energetic, genuinely passionate man who, out of his own enthusiasm, funded part of our video himself and will always be remembered in our alien hearts for running around like a maniac in the bottom of Coco's warehouse during the "9-Volt" shooting. Tonight was probably one of the times I most definitely did not feel like entertaining people and cracking jokes about Uranus and what not. Tonight was a rather uninspiring night to be from outer space.
November 16
My Bedroom at the Alpha HQ in Monroe, GA
I made it home after syncing up with the Birdstuff Scout Vehicle in Montgomery, AL. The Astro Chevy 20 threw a rod right before reaching the Georgia border. Birdstuff - burnt out. Starcrunch - burnt out. Dexter X - burnt out. The Lounge Lizard - burnt out. The Branock Device - burnt out. Coco - damn near cremated. No ground transport = no show in Augusta the following night. Oh, forgive us, those from the land of James Brown.
Paper cuts to those who use "peace" as a concluding remark,
- Birdstuff